I know that I havn't updated in a while, I've been just kind of Blah lately. This I had to get off of my chest.

I just got off of work about an hour ago, and I was feeling kinda down the whole night. As I was driving home I had the htought of committing suicide pop in to my head, no warning nothing. I havn't done anything since November 6th of 2001. It was weird cause when I had done it the first time I went for my wrist with a number 10 scapel blade..I knew exactly what I was doing, that morning.

As these thoughts were going threw my head I even felt a burning itch were I had attempted it, or had a passive suicide. The first time I couldn't do it because I thought of all the people I would hurt. This time all I could think of was Matt. Then I started crying.

I have to go pick up Matt

Things have been kinda crazy for the past couple of weeks. On Monday I quit school. Going to school 25 hours a week just wasn't cutting it, not to mention that was only going to get worse. I have to meet on Tuesday with one of the local colleges but at least there I know that all of my credits will transfer and I won't get screwed.

The quickiest thing that I know to do so  that I am able to get the hell out of Argosy is to go back and finish my paramedic.I know I have to repeat A&P since it won't transfer but hell what's one more time.  

School and work are killing me. School isn't hard it's just that there is always like five hours of homework a night, and I don't always get it done. If you don't get it done then your not allowed to take the test. I just want to quit and say fuck it and go to another program. I don't know yet what to do.

Last night I wnet to the casino for the fisrt time. Julia and I wnet to Harrah's. I brought twenty bucks and practily trippled it. So I stopped and cashed out. Then I watched Julia play tables and at one time she was five hundred up but she only walked away with a hundred, oh well it's her money.

Things are started to settle between Matt and I. It's like a change between night and day. This is the Matt that I knew in the beginning, the one that I fell in love with. Even though my family was anger with what had happen  two weeks ago. They are all supporting my descion so that's good. It really dosn't matter if they did or not, because I still would have taken him back, since they don't know the whole story.

I still have my insecerities but they are getting better. What do you expect when someone fucks with you that bad psychologically and emotionally. I know that no matter what I will always have that tiny thought in the back of my mond,"Will he do it again?" Jf I had to choose I woudl have to say No.

Things are going great rightnow, it's just school is the main thing. I gotta go start getting ready for school so I will update later.

Hey just here at school in the lab, bored as usual. Alot of fucked up shit has happen in the last week. Somethings that I never even imagined, nor wished on my worst enemy. When you think you know someone, what a shock it is ti find out how much you really don't know. It's a herrific wake-up call. Then you just have to roll with the punches, and try to get your life back to as much as normal. If that is even possible. You'll always have that thought in the back of your mind, Is he going to do it again, and when. You wnat to regain the things that you had once before but are so scared that you never will. No matter how hard you try. You can only make them as close to what they were at one time, because in a way its a new beginning.

Gotta go will yak more later.